The following is a tribute to a dear friend of mine that is now back in my possession. I can't get the formatting right, but the stand-alone lines are supposed to be italicized. Use your imagination. It's good for you. Also, I've written about 10 different versions of the last stanza, but I'm having trouble figuring out exactly how to describe that perfect ephemeral moment that you want to bottle up so it will last forever. I want to combine that idea with the feeling you get after doing something really scary (in this case, flying down HPER hwy, sorry if you don't go to the U and get this reference, as well as the stadium reference) and that feeling of relief because you did it, you're still alive, and you still have that adrenaline rushing. Comments are welcome, as always. Enjoy.
Taking flight
A feeling of freedom
Ended only by fear
Put your foot down, steady
And then slowing down
The Beginning
Learning to soar
On a borrowed board
That soon became mine
Former owner too scared
Rememories
Images of us
Him teaching me
Me being afraid
Then feeling the freedom
Flying
The wind whipping past
The ground liquid beneath me
Buildings whirring by
Me fluid in flight
Dangerous
Cracks, gaps, sharp turns
Unforseen obstacles
Speed wobbles, fear
Unexpected—crash!
Consequences
Emergency room, doctor, X-ray
Sling, road rash, more road rash
Tetanus shot, vicoden, hydrogen peroxide
“What happened?!” “Long story”
Habit
Flying down campus
HPER hwy
Curving and carving
Finding a rhythm
Perfection
Muscles aching, lungs burning
Breathing in October sunset
Bottle the moment, freeze-frame time
Ephemeral beauty, fading fast
Alive
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
It Made My Day
Today I was longboarding and decided to stop by Lenitech, which is a longboard and snowboard shop, by the U. I walked to the back where a guy was sanding boards and asked if he could loosen my trucks for me. He loosened them, tightened some screws, sanded down some of the rough spots on my board to keep the wood from splitting further, chatted with me a bunch, and showed off some of his refurbished boards. Then as I thanked him and got ready to leave, he said, "Oh by the way I don't work here, I just thought I’d help you out." Then we fist-pounded and he told me to try it out and if it needed to be adjusted again to just bring it back in. Looks like I'll be paying it forward again!
I think there is something to be said for the way the culture affects other groups here. I feel that the groups on the margins (longboarders, pierced, tattooed, smokers, and other overtly non-mainstream people) are often closer and more accepting than they would be in other places. Maybe it was just a coincidence that the guy I encountered today ways so awesomely cool. Or maybe he was just trying to flirt with me. Or maybe he was excited to see that there was a girl longboarding and wanted to help out with whatever. I've noticed that a lot of guy skaters and longboarders are pretty nice to my when they find out that I longboard. It's like just carrying that thing around opens me up to a whole new group. I think it's pretty darn sweet. Now I want to write a story about it. But what to write. Hmmm...
I think there is something to be said for the way the culture affects other groups here. I feel that the groups on the margins (longboarders, pierced, tattooed, smokers, and other overtly non-mainstream people) are often closer and more accepting than they would be in other places. Maybe it was just a coincidence that the guy I encountered today ways so awesomely cool. Or maybe he was just trying to flirt with me. Or maybe he was excited to see that there was a girl longboarding and wanted to help out with whatever. I've noticed that a lot of guy skaters and longboarders are pretty nice to my when they find out that I longboard. It's like just carrying that thing around opens me up to a whole new group. I think it's pretty darn sweet. Now I want to write a story about it. But what to write. Hmmm...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Portrait of a Culture
This is a poem I wrote after the "And Now for Something Completely Different" post. Enjoy.
Portrait of a Culture
(No more surrendering)
The frustrated struggle
Has saddened the face
Of a well-meaning culture
Crippling, hurting, breaking
Discovery of blame
Perhaps misplaced displaced?
Can religion and culture co-exist
Peacefully? Rationally?
Mutual exclusivity suffocates the masses
Unattainable perfection exhausted the man
Repressed anger is building
Begging for reconciliation
No answer satisfies
Incorporation and assimilation
Multiple identities longing
To be one
love me
love me
Love Me!
please?
Impossible.
She was just a girl
That happened to have a culture
Thrust upon her
Unrequested
Unrequited
Was her love
As soon as they knew
She wasn’t one of them
So she moved on.
Portrait of a Culture
(No more surrendering)
The frustrated struggle
Has saddened the face
Of a well-meaning culture
Crippling, hurting, breaking
Discovery of blame
Perhaps misplaced displaced?
Can religion and culture co-exist
Peacefully? Rationally?
Mutual exclusivity suffocates the masses
Unattainable perfection exhausted the man
Repressed anger is building
Begging for reconciliation
No answer satisfies
Incorporation and assimilation
Multiple identities longing
To be one
love me
love me
Love Me!
please?
Impossible.
She was just a girl
That happened to have a culture
Thrust upon her
Unrequested
Unrequited
Was her love
As soon as they knew
She wasn’t one of them
So she moved on.
Letter to The Longboard Thief (This is based on truth. Ok it's all true.)
Dear Longboard Thief,
Thank you so much for depriving me of one of the few simple joys of life. Perhaps you too will discover that a longboard is a great source of quick/fun transportation when you’re in a jam, or just wanting to feel the wind in your hair (just 5 minutes from 813 to HPER!). Maybe you too will learn how fun it is to fall, break your arm, give yourself road rash, and then longboard the rest of the 5 miles home because nobody likes you enough to answer their phone and pick you up. Or maybe you'll see that the only road worth longboarding (HPER) is closed due to construction indefintately. And you may also find that the trucks are so incredibly tight on it that it is extremely difficult for anyone who is not a well-seasoned longboarder to ride it. So here’s hoping you have some experience and don’t fall on your ass. I find it rather creepy that I know you, seeing as my longboard was stolen out of the back room of Jamba Juice. So you may find it no surprise that I’m looking for a new job. Perhaps you’ll feel a little better about the fact that you ruined my transportation, hobby, and exercise by knowing that I got it for free, so really I won’t be out the $300 until I buy a new one. This $300 is, of course, money that I never spent before, seeing as I got this one for free. So thank you, longboard thief. Thank you for stealing my free longboard (which is my only longboard).
However, if you do feel any shadow of remorse, feel free to return the aforementioned longboard to me. If you just wanted to drop it off back into the back room at work, I will pass no further judgment on you, except that I may never bring it to work again. But if you do not feel the need to return it to me, have fun riding someone else’s board. Enjoy the wind blowing through your hair, instead of mine. Enjoy getting yourself, instead of me, to class on time. Enjoy that amazing freedom you, instead of I, feel when you’re going down a hill without a care in the world. Enjoy the dent I lovingly applied to the front one of the times I crashed and wiped out, which you will, no doubt, end up doing.
Enjoy the new toy, longboard thief. Enjoy it, as you rot in hell.
Reminiscently,
Shawn
(former longboarder)
Thank you so much for depriving me of one of the few simple joys of life. Perhaps you too will discover that a longboard is a great source of quick/fun transportation when you’re in a jam, or just wanting to feel the wind in your hair (just 5 minutes from 813 to HPER!). Maybe you too will learn how fun it is to fall, break your arm, give yourself road rash, and then longboard the rest of the 5 miles home because nobody likes you enough to answer their phone and pick you up. Or maybe you'll see that the only road worth longboarding (HPER) is closed due to construction indefintately. And you may also find that the trucks are so incredibly tight on it that it is extremely difficult for anyone who is not a well-seasoned longboarder to ride it. So here’s hoping you have some experience and don’t fall on your ass. I find it rather creepy that I know you, seeing as my longboard was stolen out of the back room of Jamba Juice. So you may find it no surprise that I’m looking for a new job. Perhaps you’ll feel a little better about the fact that you ruined my transportation, hobby, and exercise by knowing that I got it for free, so really I won’t be out the $300 until I buy a new one. This $300 is, of course, money that I never spent before, seeing as I got this one for free. So thank you, longboard thief. Thank you for stealing my free longboard (which is my only longboard).
However, if you do feel any shadow of remorse, feel free to return the aforementioned longboard to me. If you just wanted to drop it off back into the back room at work, I will pass no further judgment on you, except that I may never bring it to work again. But if you do not feel the need to return it to me, have fun riding someone else’s board. Enjoy the wind blowing through your hair, instead of mine. Enjoy getting yourself, instead of me, to class on time. Enjoy that amazing freedom you, instead of I, feel when you’re going down a hill without a care in the world. Enjoy the dent I lovingly applied to the front one of the times I crashed and wiped out, which you will, no doubt, end up doing.
Enjoy the new toy, longboard thief. Enjoy it, as you rot in hell.
Reminiscently,
Shawn
(former longboarder)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
And Now For Something Completely Different
Alright.
So I'm going to diverge from my normally creative style because I have a pressing issue constantly on my mind now, and I can't take it anymore, so here goes.
DISCLAIMER: Once again, if you do not like sad stories, serious issues, or anger/frustration, read no further. Refer to raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, and small paper packages tied up with string.
I'm really struggling, frustrated, angry, saddened, etc. by the culture here, or shall I say the culture I've experienced here. I've descovered it's not as simple as blaming The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for all the problems in the world, though many people here do. I have a problem with the church being so intertwined with the culture. They are not mutually exclusive. And I have a lot of residual anger with how I was treated last summer and my many friends who have been hurt by the Mormon Church, or the culture (I don't really know which). I'm finding myself stuck in this intense and sometimes crippling frustration. I don't know how to reconcile myself with this anger and I really wish I knew how to deal with it.
The only answer I can think of is to get away from this culture and this place, but I love too many other things about Utah to leave:
-school (ok I don't always LOVE school, but I do enjoy learning and I love the U)
-Landon
-My small group of awesome friends, along with a larger group of awesome acquaintances
-Zion National Park
-Skiing
-Other hiking spots
-The awesome caffeinated, pierced, tattooed, smoking, etc. subculture, which is also not mutually exclusive to the mormon culture
Yet I don't know how to incorporate all of these things (identities?) together. I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with a lot of bullshit and I find I have a hard time being civil with Mormons because I'm so angry at the culture and the church for hurting me and those close to me. I feel like there is this aura of entitlement from the Mormon community, and I know it's not true of the entire community, but bear with me. Perhaps it would be better to say I sense this aura from the Utah Mormons? The culture? But I digress. Anyway, it's like they feel that they deserve to be here and belong here, and if you're here and not Mormon, you're abnormal, and thus subject to ostracization. What if I like to ski, hike, backpack, rock climb, mountain bike, etc.? Am I allowed to be here without having my existence questioned? Must I justify myself to a culture forced to justify its existence everywhere but here?
The other day, Lauren (my roommate) was at work at Borders. Someone came up and asked here about a book written my President Monson. Lauren was way confused because she was trying to remember an American president by that name. So she asked which president, and the customer, and a very condescending tone, said, "the MORMON" president. It was uncalled for. But this is a common occurrence at Borders, from what I understand. Customers complain about employees who aren't on the clock being "inappropriate" because they say words like "damn." Does that happen in other places? Am I just being too nitpicky? Over the summer, I was asked to justify why I wasn't Mormon. I get mistaken for Mormon a lot because I'm a good person and I don't have excessive tattoos or piercings and I'm not addicted to tobacco.
Utah culture has had an interesting effect on Christianity here too. It's another really interesting subculture because non-Mormon Christians are such a minority here (though in Salt Lake, it's less noticeable than elsewhere in Utah). On a side note, yes, I have to specify Christians a non-Mormon, because of the culture. When I first arrived here, I dove headfirst into my church, Cru, Utenited, and every other Christian thing I could get my hands on. I was dehydrated of Living Water and clung to what I knew the only way I could. But time passed. And I don't know if Christianity as a whole changed, or the Christian movement in Utah, or maybe all three of the things I was organized into changed or if it was just me. But I got really spiritually exhausted. I was Christianitied out and I wanted no more of it. And God stopped speaking to me.
I think when that happened I experienced the most profound and powerful sense of abandonment I've ever known. I was in a kind of shock, not knowing what to do or say or how to pray when it felt like I was just staring at deaf ceiling. It really hurt. I have never been abandoned by a family member. Ceasing to hear anything from God, who until this point, had been my Daddy, hurt in a way that words cannot describe. I was in a sort of denial for awhile, assuming, as people told me, that everybody experiences dry periods, or valleys. But it kept going. It was (and still sometimes is) a very painful period in my life, and though some of my friends were also questioning their beliefs, my situation was unique to me and I often grieved alone. I also cried with Landon a lot.
I think that was really hard for him, because being my dinosaur (or boyfriend--long story for another day) he wanted to help me and fix it however possible. And there was nothing he could do but hold me and wipe away my tears. He kept asking me what was wrong or if there was anything he could do to help, but I had no idea what was happening. I have never experienced such a long or difficult hiatus from anything spiritual as what I have been going through for the past year and a half.
Another thing that completely shocked me was the reaction, treatment, and judgment I experienced from the Christian community. These people were supposed to be my brothers and sisters, yet they condemned me for not going to church, bible study, Detox, Utenited, Cru, etc. It was really hard. Not only was I experiencing spiritual abandonment from God, but I was practically being ostracized by a community that should have understood, but didn't. I wonder, was this behavior learned from the Mormon culture that surrounds us? Or is that normal behavior of members of any given church? Why do people do that? It's very wrong, and I think it needs to stop now. Fuck this religious bullshit and just love me for me, and not my checklist. Please?
In "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian" by Sherman Alexie, there is an illustration of the protagonist trying to juggle all the things that are important to him with all the expectations of others and in the midst of it all he screams, "Love me! LOVE ME!!" Why can't people just accept and love people? Is that a lot to ask? Is it too much? I'm not asking everyone to go around loving everyone, hugging and kissing all the time. You don't even have to like me. But why can't we, as a community, be more accepting of those who may not necessarily fit in? Christianity doesn't belong to the rich anyway. It never has. Jesus hung out with whores and thieves. So why do we get so uncomfortable with the idea of things that aren't traditionally churchy?
I guess I have a (vegetarian) beef with the Mormon culture AND the cultural Christianity that exists here. Why do people so readily cling to cultural Christianity and the checklist? Is it because it's easy? Don't they see that they could have such a more dynamic and fulfilling spiritual experience if instead of trying to fix broken people, they learned to love without stigmatization and judgment? What if we stepped off the beaten path to experience life instead of doing what is safe and expected?
I think one of the most difficult parts of this experience for me is that I feel like there is not a single person who understands my situation. What I hate most is when people say that they know exactly where I'm coming from because of this one time when they had a 2 week period where they felt like they weren't really growing in their faith. I'm sorry but fuck that (and let's be honest, I probably don't understand a lot of other people's struggles as well. I'm not trying to dramatize my situation by saying that it's SO MUCH harder than so-and-so's by any means). That is NOTHING like this. This is a 2 year spiritual death. I hate being pitied too. And I often hate discussing it with other Christians because they pity me, or they offer suggestions or ideas for how to "fix" myself. I've tried everything. I can't fix myself. Especially if I don't know what's wrong, or if I don't even want to talk to a God that I feel has abandoned me. And who's to say I'm broken anyway? What if I just grew up? What if I lost my rose-colored glasses and can only see the world as a realist now? What if God doesn't fit into my realist world?
I wish I could effect that change. I truly do. Part of me wishes I could just go back to the way I was before. I could function within the Christian structure I wanted to. The world was a beautiful place (it still is; I just don't feel like I can function in that beauty the same way I once did). Life made sense and it was easy. But who I was and how I functioned wasn't real. It wasn't dynamic. I could not go back to that and be true to myself.
I feel like I don't fit in anywhere now. I don't fit in with the Mormons (and never have). I don't fit in with the Christians. I don't fit in with the God-haters (I tried, but it didn't really work out. I found no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't actually hate God). So where is my place? All I have found is that I am Me. In short, I Am. What an interesting reflection on what God told Moses to call him. But that doesn't bring me any closer to peace or solace or anything that I want. It only leaves me intellectually and emotionally exhausted.
So I guess I'm angry at the Culture here for cultivating an idea of entitlement and exclusivity. I'm angry at the Church (Christianity) for not accepting me, though they may have been trying to love me the only way they knew how (and though I don't like to, I have to acknowledge that we don't all have the same love languages). And I'm angry at God for abandoning me. I know, I know, if you're a Christian and reading this you're going to say "God NEVER leaves or forsakes you. Because THE BIBLE tells me so." Well if this isn't abandonment, than I don't know what is (long story, also for me to explore and delve into another day). And I'm angry at myself, for faking it from time to time simply because I'm sick of having to try to explain, repeatedly and fruitlessly, what is going on inside me when really I don't even know. And I'm angry at certain people for trying to fix me, even though they probably had my best interests in mind.
So like I've said and said and said, I don't know how to reconcile this possibly misplaced and displaced anger. What can one ever do with anger? I just figured it would cool down or go away after awhile, but I've found that it's just built up and made me a slightly more cynical and calloused person. I feel a sense of inner sorrow that no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of. No matter how hard I laugh or how big I smile, part of me still feels like my heart is breaking and that I'm falling apart. Why? I don't know. Maybe that's just the way life is. Maybe I'm clinically depressed. Maybe there hasn't been enough sunlight lately. Maybe I have hormonal imbalance. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm sleep deprived. You can blame it on whatever you want, but that doesn't make it go away. If only it were that easy...
That's pretty much what I have to say. I wish I knew how to end this with some sort of redemption, but I really don't because it's not the end of my story yet. And I'm learning the hard way that life doesn't always have happy endings. I welcome any advice, comments, thoughts, close readings, horoscopes, recipes, etc. But please please PLEASE don't tell me you know how I feel or that I should pray about it. You don't know how many times I've heard it. You don't know how I feel and I have prayed about it. Let's just get that out there.
I still have semi good days. Days where I write something awesome, where I ski in a foot-deep powder, days where I pay it forward, days where Landon takes me dancing, days where I go on a great 5 mile run. But I experience a lot of sadness and frustration too. And I've begun to think maybe that's just the way it's gonna be. Maybe all those amazing times of spiritual growth were the abnormality and this is the way it will be from here on out. I'd like to think it's not, but after about 2 years, I don't know how to think (realistically) otherwise. It's too emotionally painful.
Well. There you have it. As difficult and scary it is to be this brutally honest about who I am and what I'm going through, I'm glad to get this off my chest. So if you are reading this right now, thank you. Thank you for listening/reading this especially long post. You officially know me and my current situation better now.
This is me. I am who I am. I will not be what you, my environment, or the world tells me to be. I am simply me. I AM.
Peace.
So I'm going to diverge from my normally creative style because I have a pressing issue constantly on my mind now, and I can't take it anymore, so here goes.
DISCLAIMER: Once again, if you do not like sad stories, serious issues, or anger/frustration, read no further. Refer to raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, and small paper packages tied up with string.
I'm really struggling, frustrated, angry, saddened, etc. by the culture here, or shall I say the culture I've experienced here. I've descovered it's not as simple as blaming The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for all the problems in the world, though many people here do. I have a problem with the church being so intertwined with the culture. They are not mutually exclusive. And I have a lot of residual anger with how I was treated last summer and my many friends who have been hurt by the Mormon Church, or the culture (I don't really know which). I'm finding myself stuck in this intense and sometimes crippling frustration. I don't know how to reconcile myself with this anger and I really wish I knew how to deal with it.
The only answer I can think of is to get away from this culture and this place, but I love too many other things about Utah to leave:
-school (ok I don't always LOVE school, but I do enjoy learning and I love the U)
-Landon
-My small group of awesome friends, along with a larger group of awesome acquaintances
-Zion National Park
-Skiing
-Other hiking spots
-The awesome caffeinated, pierced, tattooed, smoking, etc. subculture, which is also not mutually exclusive to the mormon culture
Yet I don't know how to incorporate all of these things (identities?) together. I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with a lot of bullshit and I find I have a hard time being civil with Mormons because I'm so angry at the culture and the church for hurting me and those close to me. I feel like there is this aura of entitlement from the Mormon community, and I know it's not true of the entire community, but bear with me. Perhaps it would be better to say I sense this aura from the Utah Mormons? The culture? But I digress. Anyway, it's like they feel that they deserve to be here and belong here, and if you're here and not Mormon, you're abnormal, and thus subject to ostracization. What if I like to ski, hike, backpack, rock climb, mountain bike, etc.? Am I allowed to be here without having my existence questioned? Must I justify myself to a culture forced to justify its existence everywhere but here?
The other day, Lauren (my roommate) was at work at Borders. Someone came up and asked here about a book written my President Monson. Lauren was way confused because she was trying to remember an American president by that name. So she asked which president, and the customer, and a very condescending tone, said, "the MORMON" president. It was uncalled for. But this is a common occurrence at Borders, from what I understand. Customers complain about employees who aren't on the clock being "inappropriate" because they say words like "damn." Does that happen in other places? Am I just being too nitpicky? Over the summer, I was asked to justify why I wasn't Mormon. I get mistaken for Mormon a lot because I'm a good person and I don't have excessive tattoos or piercings and I'm not addicted to tobacco.
Utah culture has had an interesting effect on Christianity here too. It's another really interesting subculture because non-Mormon Christians are such a minority here (though in Salt Lake, it's less noticeable than elsewhere in Utah). On a side note, yes, I have to specify Christians a non-Mormon, because of the culture. When I first arrived here, I dove headfirst into my church, Cru, Utenited, and every other Christian thing I could get my hands on. I was dehydrated of Living Water and clung to what I knew the only way I could. But time passed. And I don't know if Christianity as a whole changed, or the Christian movement in Utah, or maybe all three of the things I was organized into changed or if it was just me. But I got really spiritually exhausted. I was Christianitied out and I wanted no more of it. And God stopped speaking to me.
I think when that happened I experienced the most profound and powerful sense of abandonment I've ever known. I was in a kind of shock, not knowing what to do or say or how to pray when it felt like I was just staring at deaf ceiling. It really hurt. I have never been abandoned by a family member. Ceasing to hear anything from God, who until this point, had been my Daddy, hurt in a way that words cannot describe. I was in a sort of denial for awhile, assuming, as people told me, that everybody experiences dry periods, or valleys. But it kept going. It was (and still sometimes is) a very painful period in my life, and though some of my friends were also questioning their beliefs, my situation was unique to me and I often grieved alone. I also cried with Landon a lot.
I think that was really hard for him, because being my dinosaur (or boyfriend--long story for another day) he wanted to help me and fix it however possible. And there was nothing he could do but hold me and wipe away my tears. He kept asking me what was wrong or if there was anything he could do to help, but I had no idea what was happening. I have never experienced such a long or difficult hiatus from anything spiritual as what I have been going through for the past year and a half.
Another thing that completely shocked me was the reaction, treatment, and judgment I experienced from the Christian community. These people were supposed to be my brothers and sisters, yet they condemned me for not going to church, bible study, Detox, Utenited, Cru, etc. It was really hard. Not only was I experiencing spiritual abandonment from God, but I was practically being ostracized by a community that should have understood, but didn't. I wonder, was this behavior learned from the Mormon culture that surrounds us? Or is that normal behavior of members of any given church? Why do people do that? It's very wrong, and I think it needs to stop now. Fuck this religious bullshit and just love me for me, and not my checklist. Please?
In "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian" by Sherman Alexie, there is an illustration of the protagonist trying to juggle all the things that are important to him with all the expectations of others and in the midst of it all he screams, "Love me! LOVE ME!!" Why can't people just accept and love people? Is that a lot to ask? Is it too much? I'm not asking everyone to go around loving everyone, hugging and kissing all the time. You don't even have to like me. But why can't we, as a community, be more accepting of those who may not necessarily fit in? Christianity doesn't belong to the rich anyway. It never has. Jesus hung out with whores and thieves. So why do we get so uncomfortable with the idea of things that aren't traditionally churchy?
I guess I have a (vegetarian) beef with the Mormon culture AND the cultural Christianity that exists here. Why do people so readily cling to cultural Christianity and the checklist? Is it because it's easy? Don't they see that they could have such a more dynamic and fulfilling spiritual experience if instead of trying to fix broken people, they learned to love without stigmatization and judgment? What if we stepped off the beaten path to experience life instead of doing what is safe and expected?
I think one of the most difficult parts of this experience for me is that I feel like there is not a single person who understands my situation. What I hate most is when people say that they know exactly where I'm coming from because of this one time when they had a 2 week period where they felt like they weren't really growing in their faith. I'm sorry but fuck that (and let's be honest, I probably don't understand a lot of other people's struggles as well. I'm not trying to dramatize my situation by saying that it's SO MUCH harder than so-and-so's by any means). That is NOTHING like this. This is a 2 year spiritual death. I hate being pitied too. And I often hate discussing it with other Christians because they pity me, or they offer suggestions or ideas for how to "fix" myself. I've tried everything. I can't fix myself. Especially if I don't know what's wrong, or if I don't even want to talk to a God that I feel has abandoned me. And who's to say I'm broken anyway? What if I just grew up? What if I lost my rose-colored glasses and can only see the world as a realist now? What if God doesn't fit into my realist world?
I wish I could effect that change. I truly do. Part of me wishes I could just go back to the way I was before. I could function within the Christian structure I wanted to. The world was a beautiful place (it still is; I just don't feel like I can function in that beauty the same way I once did). Life made sense and it was easy. But who I was and how I functioned wasn't real. It wasn't dynamic. I could not go back to that and be true to myself.
I feel like I don't fit in anywhere now. I don't fit in with the Mormons (and never have). I don't fit in with the Christians. I don't fit in with the God-haters (I tried, but it didn't really work out. I found no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't actually hate God). So where is my place? All I have found is that I am Me. In short, I Am. What an interesting reflection on what God told Moses to call him. But that doesn't bring me any closer to peace or solace or anything that I want. It only leaves me intellectually and emotionally exhausted.
So I guess I'm angry at the Culture here for cultivating an idea of entitlement and exclusivity. I'm angry at the Church (Christianity) for not accepting me, though they may have been trying to love me the only way they knew how (and though I don't like to, I have to acknowledge that we don't all have the same love languages). And I'm angry at God for abandoning me. I know, I know, if you're a Christian and reading this you're going to say "God NEVER leaves or forsakes you. Because THE BIBLE tells me so." Well if this isn't abandonment, than I don't know what is (long story, also for me to explore and delve into another day). And I'm angry at myself, for faking it from time to time simply because I'm sick of having to try to explain, repeatedly and fruitlessly, what is going on inside me when really I don't even know. And I'm angry at certain people for trying to fix me, even though they probably had my best interests in mind.
So like I've said and said and said, I don't know how to reconcile this possibly misplaced and displaced anger. What can one ever do with anger? I just figured it would cool down or go away after awhile, but I've found that it's just built up and made me a slightly more cynical and calloused person. I feel a sense of inner sorrow that no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of. No matter how hard I laugh or how big I smile, part of me still feels like my heart is breaking and that I'm falling apart. Why? I don't know. Maybe that's just the way life is. Maybe I'm clinically depressed. Maybe there hasn't been enough sunlight lately. Maybe I have hormonal imbalance. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm sleep deprived. You can blame it on whatever you want, but that doesn't make it go away. If only it were that easy...
That's pretty much what I have to say. I wish I knew how to end this with some sort of redemption, but I really don't because it's not the end of my story yet. And I'm learning the hard way that life doesn't always have happy endings. I welcome any advice, comments, thoughts, close readings, horoscopes, recipes, etc. But please please PLEASE don't tell me you know how I feel or that I should pray about it. You don't know how many times I've heard it. You don't know how I feel and I have prayed about it. Let's just get that out there.
I still have semi good days. Days where I write something awesome, where I ski in a foot-deep powder, days where I pay it forward, days where Landon takes me dancing, days where I go on a great 5 mile run. But I experience a lot of sadness and frustration too. And I've begun to think maybe that's just the way it's gonna be. Maybe all those amazing times of spiritual growth were the abnormality and this is the way it will be from here on out. I'd like to think it's not, but after about 2 years, I don't know how to think (realistically) otherwise. It's too emotionally painful.
Well. There you have it. As difficult and scary it is to be this brutally honest about who I am and what I'm going through, I'm glad to get this off my chest. So if you are reading this right now, thank you. Thank you for listening/reading this especially long post. You officially know me and my current situation better now.
This is me. I am who I am. I will not be what you, my environment, or the world tells me to be. I am simply me. I AM.
Peace.
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