DISCLAIMER: PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS A PIECE OF CREATIVE FICTION
Dearest Weston,
Please accept my deepest apologies for accidentally backing into your brand new 2010 Honda Accord and insodoing also damaging beyond repair your $5000 Bianchi mountain bike (you probably should lock that thing up or something) which happened to be on the bike rack, which, of course, I hit when I backed into you.
Let me assure you, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you’ve made my life a living hell since freshman year, which, as you remember, was when we dated for 5 months and then you didn’t have the balls to break up with me, so you sent out a mass text to your friends asking for ideas but accidentally forgot to remove me from the recipient list.
Furthermore, there is absolutely no connection between this incident and the fact that you take extreme measures to embarrass and insult me in English, which we happen to have together. English was formerly my favorite class until this year when you taught me a new meaning of the word “scum.” So thank you for widening my vocabulary. I would consider transferring to Valley High, but I realize that it’s full of rich stuck-up snobs just like you.
I would give you my insurance information, but I know your family is rich beyond belief because your dad is on the board of trustees for some big law firm and buys you everything you’ve ever wanted and your mom is district manager for Abercrombie and Fitch and gives you her employee discount code every time you shop there. So I’m sure you’ll be able to handle repairs.
It must be really hard for someone like you who has never done an honest day’s work and has no idea how money just happens to magically appear in his bank account. Then again, this is coming from somebody who has balanced a job, soccer practice, car payments, and four AP classes since the beginning of sophomore year. I probably wouldn’t understand.
I also regret to inform you that it looks like your license plate, “PMP4LFE” will need to be replaced, which is a real bummer, since you worked so hard to replace the “ski” in “Ski Utah” with “ride.” My heart bleeds for you. I hope you have a great weekend, and don’t get too drunk and all your parties like you normally do, banging everything with a pulse
I hope you and your Abercrombie clothes rot in hell.
Fondly,
Sara
Ps-sorry about your car