This past weekend Landon came. It was the best weekend ever. He brought me a whole bunch of stuff and made me the most wonderful book ever. It's called "A Lovely Love Story, as told by Landon." It's the best book ever. It makes me SO happy! We went and saw the petroglyphs and hiked Hidden Canyon and the Narrows. We went to see Transformers 2, which was not the best, but special for us, since the first time we ever hung out was to watch the first one with a group of friends.
Just seeing him and being able to be around him and hug him was so nice. I'm sad I had to say goodbye, but it was a wonderful weekend. It was actually like a mini vacation for me too, because we hung out Thursday afternoon, all day Friday and Saturday, and Sunday morning. It was simply wonderful.
I miss him already.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Love of Pure Nature, Hatred of Human Nature
Ok so first off, I need to describe this crazy hike we did.
Nix that. I really don't feel like describing the whole thing, so I'll just give the spark notes version. So the first part of the hike is really steep and I always get embarrassingly out of breath, so I try not to talk a whole bunch. We finally got to the mouth of the canyon, where the hike unofficially ends. They stop maintaining it there. You can go on if you want though. It's pretty flat to start out with, just sand and the occasional boulder to climb up or around. Eventually, you find a freestanding arch, which is pretty cool, but nothing like Arches National Park or Moab.
Let me just stop to say this. It just feels pointless to even describe this hike because its the most amazing, dangerous, interesting, scary, mind boggling, beautiful, hike I've ever been on. Words cease to describe it. I kept stopping to remind myself to remember this moment, this place, this beauty. Because I may never hike it again. The farther up we went, the less footprints we saw. And eventually, we wondered when the last people had been there. Earlier that day? The day before? A week before? A month? A year? Never? This is the most secluded place in the world.
We began climbing pretty easy things we figured we could get up, and make it back down. But eventually, we came to a spot we didn't know how to get up, and if we did make it, how would we get back down? We were getting ready to turn around, when some canyoneering guides just happened to catch up with us! How perfect, right? We ended up leaving our backpacks there, and the older guy, who was like 60 and in better shape than us, helped us through. Time and time again, when we thought there was to way to make it up, he found a seemingly impassible route and then talked us through it. A couple times, he pulled me up. Once, he jammed himself between two rocks, stuck his leg out, and had us use it like the missing rung on a ladder. It was amazing. He was totally gung-ho about the whole thing like this is the kind of thing you do every day. Soon enough, I found that I could use my elbows, knees, and fingers for much more than originally thought. Its an amazing feeling, rediscovering what your body was created for. This man was seriously amazing. He made it up everything I thought impossible and without a second thought. Every time he got to something difficult he just considered it more fun. We agreed that if there's a little bit of blood, that means you had just the right amount of fun. Eventually, we decided to turn back. We told them and thanked them a million times for helping us so much and they kept going. The hike ended up being 5 or 5 1/2 hours round trip. Amazing and totally worth it. Hidden Canyon.
Sometimes I wonder if God is like that man. Knowing the trail, and helping us get through the parts we don't know how to navigate. Stretching us way past our comfort zones. Right now, I like that man more than I like God. I guess I just hate the way religion makes people act. The monsters it creates.
Exhibit A. The other night, there was this band of boys, 3 in all from the SF Bay area who are in a bluegrass band and played a concert for us. They stayed a couple days, and that first night after their concert we went on a night hike to Canyon Overlook. It's really not super impressive in the dark except for the awesome echoes, and how long it takes for rock to hit the bottom when you throw it over the edge. Me and Blake had some really good talks. While everybody else was talking candy, X men, and super powers, we talked books, college, music, religion, and other random stuff. At one point they told us we were being too intellectual. Honestly one of the girls was just kind of being mean and everything I said was wrong, so me and Blake just had our own conversation. Of late, I actually really enjoy talking to atheists and agnostics about religion, the latter of which Blake was.
Earlier, we had been telling him about something funny some of us had done. I can't even remember it now. He asked if we had been drunk. I laughed and told him something to the effect of "Yeah, um pretty much everybody here except me and like two other people are mormon, and they don't do the drinking and smoking thing so that's not really possible." Kosher, right? Harmless, right? Apparently not.
Later that evening (around 2am), one of the girls who had come on the trip facebooks me and tells me that she doesn't appreciate me making fun of her religion. What?! So apparently she didn't like the way that I had explained that mormons don't drink or smoke. I tried to remember when she was talking about and reiterated what I remembered saying. She said it was my tone of voice. Are you kidding me? So apparently I offended her because I mistakenly informed this guy about mormonism with the wrong tone of voice. And she is telling me all this over facebook chat at 2am. Really? REALLY?! I mean come on. I'm not stupid enough to bash people right in front of their faces unless they are acting really stupid. And if there was any condescending tone in my voice, it was probably me laughing at the idea that this guy would accuse these girls of drunkenness. It made me so mad. I had to apologize for something I was wrongfully accused of. And all over facebook. I feel like that is a total cop-out. And the way she said it was kind of rude too. It was something to the effect of, "Just so we're clear, I'm not ok with you bashing my religion." What? Really?!
Did you ever care to ask me about my religion? Did you ever think about what it's like to not be mormon but not be able to go to church here because all there is here is mormon churches? Did you ever stop to wonder why I'm not going to church? Did you ever think before asking me which ward I'm in? Did you ever stop and wonder why I'm not LDS? Did you ever think before automatically writing me off as the devil because I'm not LDS? Did you ever consider being accepting of people unlike yourself?
Apparently not.
Sometimes being so surrounded by these people makes me want to smoke and drink and do other "unholy" things just to purge my system of all this fake cleanliness. Me and Tiff and Brit were talking about how everyone here is so concerned with appearances and how they look to everyone else. There is so much gossip. I feel like everybody is concerned with how they look to everybody else and nobody really cares about anybody else's heart. Tiff and Brit are the only people here who even wondered why I haven't been to church since March.
I miss hanging out with Landon and having him understand me completely. I miss coffee dates with Nathan where we could be real and just be. I miss hanging out with David and Gretchen knowing they are some of the only people I can be truly honest with. I miss finally laying it all out with Spencer after a year of talking but never really saying anything. I miss being real. I've forgotten how. I wand to re-find, redefine, retrace the lines, the steps, the feelings, the emotions, the colors that make me. I don't know who I am. And this summer the only thing I'm learning is who I'm not. I am entirely not mormon. And maybe sometimes definitions come from binary oppositions, but still, I already knew I am not mormon.
I had a dream that night. I was on a train, and I had to escape somehow, but the only place to hide was a prison. Then I was wrongfully accused of something and they were going to throw me in this high-security prison for something I didn't do. Right before I was supposed to go in, Ross shows up with a box and a blanket. I ask him what the heck he's doing, and he replies, well how else are you gonna get out of here. So I climb in the box, he puts the blanket over me, and sneaks me out of a high security prison, just like that. What the heck? I know, right?
So I wonder if the train is the train wreck that was me last school year. I escaped when it finally ended, but not without swine flu. Then I "escaped" here, but I'm imprisoned by outdated rules and preconceived notions. I was wrongfully accused of "bashing" mormonism, among other things. Ross trys so hard (and sometimes succeeds) to be a badass. He told me the other night that yes, he drinks, he smokes, he doesn't read his Bible or pray like he should and he doesn't do everything on the checklist, but he feels closer to God than he ever has before. And somehow that is supposed to set me free from this psychological prison.
But I don't get how that is really supposed to work. I mean, I already 86ed the checklist a long time ago. And I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I believe or if I even care. I'm either apathetic or angry at God. I'm not really wiling to pray or submit myself to him. Some would call that pride. Others would call it disillusionment with a cookie-cutter christian life. Some would call it reality. I don't have a name for it. I don't know what it is and I don't know what to think. I would like to think its just a passing phase, but now I don't know. I've never known depression, disillusionment, anger, and apathy to last this long.
I guess I don't know how to end this entry. It started out so chill and upbeat. I wish I knew who I wanted to be so I could start becoming that person. I want to be the postmodern girl who wears the fashionable black-rimmed glasses. I want to be the girl who looks awesome in her funky outfits--put together, standing out, but not too trendy. The one who clothes shops at urban outfitters and vintage shops. Who finds all her furniture at antique stores for awesome prices. The chic hippie vegetarian who buys locally and grocery shops at the farmer's market but still shaves and wears deodorant. The girl with an angels voice and sweet dance moves. The girls who has a sense of humor and can laugh at herself. The girl who is dating the most amazing man ever. The girl who is happy with herself. Comfortable with herself. The girl who is accepting of all. The girl who never judges others the way she has been judged. The girl who is a good listener, who you know you can always call. The girl who longboards. The girl who runs/bikes godawful distances. The girl who is a wicked sweet skier. The girl who writes amazingly and gets published all the time. The girl who lives in a downtown metropolis. The girl who hangs out at coffee shops for disgusting amounts of time and starts to write stories about the regulars. The girl who no longer has an eating disorder but knows what it is like. The girl who occasionally smokes mini cigars and drinks a beer but never touches drugs or gets drunk. The girl who glows. The girl who is beautiful, not because of the makeup she puts on, the clothes she wears, or the way she styles her hair, but because she is simply lovely.
Yeah. I guess that's who I wanna be. I know. A lot of those are totally stupid and don't really matter much. And I've already achieved some of them. Like being the girl who is dating the most amazing man ever. That one just kind of happened. And I couldn't be happier with it. I noticed something interesting. This past year completely wreaked me. It broke me emotionally, scholastically, spiritually, socially, maybe even psychologically. But through it all, my relationship with Landon only grew stronger and closer. "A Lovely Love Story" by Edward Monkton. Go to the store. Buy it. Read it. Keep it. Read it again.
I don't have much else to say. I guess that's it for tonight. Sufjan Stevens "Chicago" is amazing.
Good night all.
Nix that. I really don't feel like describing the whole thing, so I'll just give the spark notes version. So the first part of the hike is really steep and I always get embarrassingly out of breath, so I try not to talk a whole bunch. We finally got to the mouth of the canyon, where the hike unofficially ends. They stop maintaining it there. You can go on if you want though. It's pretty flat to start out with, just sand and the occasional boulder to climb up or around. Eventually, you find a freestanding arch, which is pretty cool, but nothing like Arches National Park or Moab.
Let me just stop to say this. It just feels pointless to even describe this hike because its the most amazing, dangerous, interesting, scary, mind boggling, beautiful, hike I've ever been on. Words cease to describe it. I kept stopping to remind myself to remember this moment, this place, this beauty. Because I may never hike it again. The farther up we went, the less footprints we saw. And eventually, we wondered when the last people had been there. Earlier that day? The day before? A week before? A month? A year? Never? This is the most secluded place in the world.
We began climbing pretty easy things we figured we could get up, and make it back down. But eventually, we came to a spot we didn't know how to get up, and if we did make it, how would we get back down? We were getting ready to turn around, when some canyoneering guides just happened to catch up with us! How perfect, right? We ended up leaving our backpacks there, and the older guy, who was like 60 and in better shape than us, helped us through. Time and time again, when we thought there was to way to make it up, he found a seemingly impassible route and then talked us through it. A couple times, he pulled me up. Once, he jammed himself between two rocks, stuck his leg out, and had us use it like the missing rung on a ladder. It was amazing. He was totally gung-ho about the whole thing like this is the kind of thing you do every day. Soon enough, I found that I could use my elbows, knees, and fingers for much more than originally thought. Its an amazing feeling, rediscovering what your body was created for. This man was seriously amazing. He made it up everything I thought impossible and without a second thought. Every time he got to something difficult he just considered it more fun. We agreed that if there's a little bit of blood, that means you had just the right amount of fun. Eventually, we decided to turn back. We told them and thanked them a million times for helping us so much and they kept going. The hike ended up being 5 or 5 1/2 hours round trip. Amazing and totally worth it. Hidden Canyon.
Sometimes I wonder if God is like that man. Knowing the trail, and helping us get through the parts we don't know how to navigate. Stretching us way past our comfort zones. Right now, I like that man more than I like God. I guess I just hate the way religion makes people act. The monsters it creates.
Exhibit A. The other night, there was this band of boys, 3 in all from the SF Bay area who are in a bluegrass band and played a concert for us. They stayed a couple days, and that first night after their concert we went on a night hike to Canyon Overlook. It's really not super impressive in the dark except for the awesome echoes, and how long it takes for rock to hit the bottom when you throw it over the edge. Me and Blake had some really good talks. While everybody else was talking candy, X men, and super powers, we talked books, college, music, religion, and other random stuff. At one point they told us we were being too intellectual. Honestly one of the girls was just kind of being mean and everything I said was wrong, so me and Blake just had our own conversation. Of late, I actually really enjoy talking to atheists and agnostics about religion, the latter of which Blake was.
Earlier, we had been telling him about something funny some of us had done. I can't even remember it now. He asked if we had been drunk. I laughed and told him something to the effect of "Yeah, um pretty much everybody here except me and like two other people are mormon, and they don't do the drinking and smoking thing so that's not really possible." Kosher, right? Harmless, right? Apparently not.
Later that evening (around 2am), one of the girls who had come on the trip facebooks me and tells me that she doesn't appreciate me making fun of her religion. What?! So apparently she didn't like the way that I had explained that mormons don't drink or smoke. I tried to remember when she was talking about and reiterated what I remembered saying. She said it was my tone of voice. Are you kidding me? So apparently I offended her because I mistakenly informed this guy about mormonism with the wrong tone of voice. And she is telling me all this over facebook chat at 2am. Really? REALLY?! I mean come on. I'm not stupid enough to bash people right in front of their faces unless they are acting really stupid. And if there was any condescending tone in my voice, it was probably me laughing at the idea that this guy would accuse these girls of drunkenness. It made me so mad. I had to apologize for something I was wrongfully accused of. And all over facebook. I feel like that is a total cop-out. And the way she said it was kind of rude too. It was something to the effect of, "Just so we're clear, I'm not ok with you bashing my religion." What? Really?!
Did you ever care to ask me about my religion? Did you ever think about what it's like to not be mormon but not be able to go to church here because all there is here is mormon churches? Did you ever stop to wonder why I'm not going to church? Did you ever think before asking me which ward I'm in? Did you ever stop and wonder why I'm not LDS? Did you ever think before automatically writing me off as the devil because I'm not LDS? Did you ever consider being accepting of people unlike yourself?
Apparently not.
Sometimes being so surrounded by these people makes me want to smoke and drink and do other "unholy" things just to purge my system of all this fake cleanliness. Me and Tiff and Brit were talking about how everyone here is so concerned with appearances and how they look to everyone else. There is so much gossip. I feel like everybody is concerned with how they look to everybody else and nobody really cares about anybody else's heart. Tiff and Brit are the only people here who even wondered why I haven't been to church since March.
I miss hanging out with Landon and having him understand me completely. I miss coffee dates with Nathan where we could be real and just be. I miss hanging out with David and Gretchen knowing they are some of the only people I can be truly honest with. I miss finally laying it all out with Spencer after a year of talking but never really saying anything. I miss being real. I've forgotten how. I wand to re-find, redefine, retrace the lines, the steps, the feelings, the emotions, the colors that make me. I don't know who I am. And this summer the only thing I'm learning is who I'm not. I am entirely not mormon. And maybe sometimes definitions come from binary oppositions, but still, I already knew I am not mormon.
I had a dream that night. I was on a train, and I had to escape somehow, but the only place to hide was a prison. Then I was wrongfully accused of something and they were going to throw me in this high-security prison for something I didn't do. Right before I was supposed to go in, Ross shows up with a box and a blanket. I ask him what the heck he's doing, and he replies, well how else are you gonna get out of here. So I climb in the box, he puts the blanket over me, and sneaks me out of a high security prison, just like that. What the heck? I know, right?
So I wonder if the train is the train wreck that was me last school year. I escaped when it finally ended, but not without swine flu. Then I "escaped" here, but I'm imprisoned by outdated rules and preconceived notions. I was wrongfully accused of "bashing" mormonism, among other things. Ross trys so hard (and sometimes succeeds) to be a badass. He told me the other night that yes, he drinks, he smokes, he doesn't read his Bible or pray like he should and he doesn't do everything on the checklist, but he feels closer to God than he ever has before. And somehow that is supposed to set me free from this psychological prison.
But I don't get how that is really supposed to work. I mean, I already 86ed the checklist a long time ago. And I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I believe or if I even care. I'm either apathetic or angry at God. I'm not really wiling to pray or submit myself to him. Some would call that pride. Others would call it disillusionment with a cookie-cutter christian life. Some would call it reality. I don't have a name for it. I don't know what it is and I don't know what to think. I would like to think its just a passing phase, but now I don't know. I've never known depression, disillusionment, anger, and apathy to last this long.
I guess I don't know how to end this entry. It started out so chill and upbeat. I wish I knew who I wanted to be so I could start becoming that person. I want to be the postmodern girl who wears the fashionable black-rimmed glasses. I want to be the girl who looks awesome in her funky outfits--put together, standing out, but not too trendy. The one who clothes shops at urban outfitters and vintage shops. Who finds all her furniture at antique stores for awesome prices. The chic hippie vegetarian who buys locally and grocery shops at the farmer's market but still shaves and wears deodorant. The girl with an angels voice and sweet dance moves. The girls who has a sense of humor and can laugh at herself. The girl who is dating the most amazing man ever. The girl who is happy with herself. Comfortable with herself. The girl who is accepting of all. The girl who never judges others the way she has been judged. The girl who is a good listener, who you know you can always call. The girl who longboards. The girl who runs/bikes godawful distances. The girl who is a wicked sweet skier. The girl who writes amazingly and gets published all the time. The girl who lives in a downtown metropolis. The girl who hangs out at coffee shops for disgusting amounts of time and starts to write stories about the regulars. The girl who no longer has an eating disorder but knows what it is like. The girl who occasionally smokes mini cigars and drinks a beer but never touches drugs or gets drunk. The girl who glows. The girl who is beautiful, not because of the makeup she puts on, the clothes she wears, or the way she styles her hair, but because she is simply lovely.
Yeah. I guess that's who I wanna be. I know. A lot of those are totally stupid and don't really matter much. And I've already achieved some of them. Like being the girl who is dating the most amazing man ever. That one just kind of happened. And I couldn't be happier with it. I noticed something interesting. This past year completely wreaked me. It broke me emotionally, scholastically, spiritually, socially, maybe even psychologically. But through it all, my relationship with Landon only grew stronger and closer. "A Lovely Love Story" by Edward Monkton. Go to the store. Buy it. Read it. Keep it. Read it again.
I don't have much else to say. I guess that's it for tonight. Sufjan Stevens "Chicago" is amazing.
Good night all.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Um, another slice of amazing, please?
Life is seriously amazing. Holy f-ing crap. Ok where to start?
Dude.
So the other night (being a Tuesday) I had gone on an afternoon swim and was too lazy to change, so still wearing my swimsuit around 10, Marci asks me if I wanna go hot-tubbing. Being the relaxation-loving person I am, and already fully dressed for the occaision, I happily obliged. Marci kept a watch over the pool/hot tub area, and I went to get more people. Well the employee lounge was dark and empty. So I walk into the recreation barn, where there are a bunch of mexican men who speak little to no english, and motion swimming to them and the all look at each other and start talking about (I assume) it being locked because it's "closed." However, what they DO NOT know is that technically, staff can get in whenever they want. So I motion to them that we have a key and make my way upstairs to invite a couple more people. Lionel follows me and asks "You go NOW?!" and I tried to explain that I was just getting more people. You try explaining to a non-english speaker that you are going to try to find more people that are awake to go and swim with you. I finally told him 5 minutes and that was satisfactory.
It was SO fun! Lionel and Rauol (sp?) came and we played around in the pool, treading water, having hand stand competitions, and such and eventually ended up in the hot tub. We were teaching each other words in english and spanish and I seriously had a blast. It was a great time, even though we had the language barrier. I think playing is a universal language.
Lost my debit card. That sucks.
Next day, Grand Canyon. Ah-mazing. Except for kind of getting left behind but getting taken home by a sweet newlywed couple who happened to be coworkers and TOTALLY being the third wheel while they were all lovey-dovey fake fighting for 2.5 hours in the car. Thank you. So much.
So is it possible to hike your brains out? I may have done that today (and by today I mean thursday. It's not really friday till I go to bed and wake up again). Today me and Tiff and Brit went into the park and were gonna go hiking. But there was a leak at the Lodge, so we hiked from where we parked to the visitors center, which is like 1.5 miles. Then once all the gas leak drama was over, we took the shuttle and did Hidden Canyon. I'll tell you that much, but I seriously have to go to bed. So I'll talk more on the hike (slash rock climbing!), band/another hike, and appearances tomorrow. Beddie bye. Nighty night.
Peace yo.
Dude.
So the other night (being a Tuesday) I had gone on an afternoon swim and was too lazy to change, so still wearing my swimsuit around 10, Marci asks me if I wanna go hot-tubbing. Being the relaxation-loving person I am, and already fully dressed for the occaision, I happily obliged. Marci kept a watch over the pool/hot tub area, and I went to get more people. Well the employee lounge was dark and empty. So I walk into the recreation barn, where there are a bunch of mexican men who speak little to no english, and motion swimming to them and the all look at each other and start talking about (I assume) it being locked because it's "closed." However, what they DO NOT know is that technically, staff can get in whenever they want. So I motion to them that we have a key and make my way upstairs to invite a couple more people. Lionel follows me and asks "You go NOW?!" and I tried to explain that I was just getting more people. You try explaining to a non-english speaker that you are going to try to find more people that are awake to go and swim with you. I finally told him 5 minutes and that was satisfactory.
It was SO fun! Lionel and Rauol (sp?) came and we played around in the pool, treading water, having hand stand competitions, and such and eventually ended up in the hot tub. We were teaching each other words in english and spanish and I seriously had a blast. It was a great time, even though we had the language barrier. I think playing is a universal language.
Lost my debit card. That sucks.
Next day, Grand Canyon. Ah-mazing. Except for kind of getting left behind but getting taken home by a sweet newlywed couple who happened to be coworkers and TOTALLY being the third wheel while they were all lovey-dovey fake fighting for 2.5 hours in the car. Thank you. So much.
So is it possible to hike your brains out? I may have done that today (and by today I mean thursday. It's not really friday till I go to bed and wake up again). Today me and Tiff and Brit went into the park and were gonna go hiking. But there was a leak at the Lodge, so we hiked from where we parked to the visitors center, which is like 1.5 miles. Then once all the gas leak drama was over, we took the shuttle and did Hidden Canyon. I'll tell you that much, but I seriously have to go to bed. So I'll talk more on the hike (slash rock climbing!), band/another hike, and appearances tomorrow. Beddie bye. Nighty night.
Peace yo.
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